Last Friday night I was a little under the weather. I had a very bad cold and I couldn’t sleep because I couldn’t breathe out of my nose. It was all kinds of awful.

So despite my best attempts at sleep, I was up until about 2:45 in the morning. I knew I wouldn’t be able to cover the bags I was certainly developing under my eyes with makeup the next morning. I prayed and bargained that, if I was made well within the next fifteen minutes, there was absolutely no way I would take the ability to breathe through my nose for granted ever again. (Even as I write this, I savor every breath of fresh air.)

It was around this point that I decided to try listening to Jeff Bridges’s sleep tapes. He’s currently hosting them on Squarespace, at a website aptly titled “Dreaming with Jeff,” which has the CD available for download: pay as you like, all proceeds to No Kid Hungry. It also allows you to stream the entire thing. I was sick and sleep-deprived. I figured, why not? He’s knowledgeable about relaxation. He must be, it’s the Dude we’re talking about! So I listened to the sleep tapes. And, for the fun of it, I turned on my phone’s recorder to record my reactions to the tapes.

What follows are my real-time, (mostly) unedited reactions to the tracks, one by one.

As usual, I’m not sorry.

Intro:

Alright, off to a good start. Very new-age.
Wait, what? He’s laughing. Why is he laughing?
Jeff Bridges is talking to me. How am I supposed to sleep if the great Jeff Bridges is addressing me?
“Everything implies everything else.” That is deeeep.
“I hope [the sleep tapes] inspire you to do some cool sleepin’.” Me too, Jeff. Me too.

Sleep Dream Wake Up:

Ok, what’s happening now? Murmuring I think?
Oh what–what the–what is going on?
“You need to sleep so you can dream.” I KNOW. I KNOW.
Is this a fever dream?
THERE ARE HUNDREDS OF JEFFS AROUND ME TELLING ME TO SLEEP. HELP ME.
JEFF IS THROAT SINGING “WAKE UP SLEEP” THIS IS HOW I DIE
Okay. Okay. Maybe this is getting . . . NO, NOPE, NOW THERE’S LAVA SOMEHOW???
Jeff Bridges is in my room and he’s probably going to kill me. I’m going to be Freddy Kruegered by the Dude.

Chimes for Dreams:

Oh, thank God. Calm. No more guttural noises or creepy chants.
This is nice, actually. I can get behind this. Can I sleep? Am I finally sleeping?
Am I . . .
No. No, I just sneezed and now I’m up and everything hurts.
My whole body hurts. Why. What did I do to deserve this.

Hummmmm:

He’s talking again. But it’s sweet. It’s the sweet, sweet voice of Jeff Bridges.
Oh, I’m in Egypt. I’m on the Nile. I’m on the Nile and I’m humming. No wait, Jeff Bridges is the one humming and we’re on the Nile.*
It’s not creepy after about ten seconds.
Wait. Are we at a playground now? Did you record this at a playground? Those are child noises. I can’t sleep to the sound of children yelling.

*I listened to this track again in the morning. It had nothing to do with the Nile. I don’t know why I said any of that.

Good Morning, Sweetheart:

Am I Jeff’s sweetheart now? Yes, of course I’ll hum with–oh. Oh, it’s your wife, you weren’t talking to me.
I feel like I’m intruding on a private moment.
Jeff is talking about me. I’m the one trying to sleep.
Jeff’s wife is humming now.

See You at the Dreaming Tree:

Oh, it’s the kids again. I can’t believe you recorded playing children. Why. Babies are shrill.
I want to sleep I just want to sleep oh God why can’t I breathe?
“There’s a ghost in there, come see it.” How about NO.
Jeff is playing with random school children now. I too am a children.
“I’ll see you in my dreams” strikes me as a creepy thing to say to a child.
I want to fly around the dream tree too.
What’s happening. Church bells? Kids are gone? The Ghost of Christmas Future is approaching. I’m scared. I don’t want to die. I can change. I won’t forget the lessons that the spirits have taught me and I will keep Christmas in my heart.

A Glass of Water:

Yes, I’m comfy. Thanks for caring, Jeff, old bean.
Thanks, I’d love some water. You’re my main man.
Oh, he’s gonna tell me a story now, isn’t he the greatest?

The Raven:

This is actually terrifying yet hypnotic. I read Poe’s poem earlier today; this is pretty trippy.
There was no plot in this bedtime story.

The Hen:

This entire track was just me laughing to myself.

Ikea:

“When I die . . .” No, Jeff, you can never die. You’re a national treasure.
Don’t spread your ashes in Ikea, Jeff.

The Sea:

This is nice.
“The sea is under the sky.” Correct. It is indeed under the sky.
“The door is red. I will be in the blue chair.” I’m waiting for Jeff to come to my sea cottage.
I just sneezed so bad, the Dude must be displeased with me.
Sniffle sniffle.

Temescal Canyon:

I’m finally staring at the pictures on the website. The scarab is staring into my soul. I am afraid.
I’m in the woods, walking with Jeff. I’m actually visualizing this, it’s working. I CAN SMELL THE WOODS DESPITE MY LACK OF NOSE.
It’s all so real.
Another hiker? No, Jeff, don’t wave to him. Ugh. I don’t care if his name is Neil.
There’s a puppy? Can we keep him?
Wait. Why is there an office chair in the middle of the woods? Don’t go check it out. It’s obviously a trap.
You kept the chair and lost the dog.
What a fever dream, best time ever. I want to pretend everything you want.
I am sitting in an office chair by a stream. Bless you.
Wait there’s a copter? Why is there a helicopter in the woods, is that the president?
Thanks, Obama.
What if this is “Deliverance”?
Jeff, I can’t hang-glide, I’m not physically fit enough. Please.
I’m not going to wave to Neil if you made me get on a hang-glider.

Feeling Good:

I’m so exhausted, that was quite a hike.
I feel so beautiful but also so ugly.
Jeff Bridges likes my haircut and thinks I’m intelligent. I matter to many people. I am accepted.
I have what hands? Strong hands? What?
I can carve a wood table yeah that’s right
I am a positive addition to the world.
Damn right I smell nice.
I order well at restaurants.
Obviously everyone wants to hear me sing happy birthday, I have golden pipes
I feel oddly tingly and happy. Jeff Bridges may not know me but he’s helping me love myself and for that I love Jeff Bridges.

Seeing with My Eyes Closed:

I’m on an emotional high. I’m also exhausted.
——
I was almost ASLEEP UGH
Are we witnessing a close encounter?
Jeff is a philosopher of the highest caliber.
What is happening, Jeff? Is this flatland? I swear to God.

Goodnight:

I actually fell asleep at this point.

So I suppose these sleeping tapes actually work. I did indeed dream excellent dreams, and although I awoke the next day with a sore throat and a stuffy nose, I nevertheless felt rested. Thanks, Jeff Bridges. Thanks.

A Guinea Pig Special: Jeff Bridges's Sleeping Tapes